i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
