I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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