Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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