I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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