Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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