Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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