Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
