soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
