When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
