i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
