My friends, they love my intelligence
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
