They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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