my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
