Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
