she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
