So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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