It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
