She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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