Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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