I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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