I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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