Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
