8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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