She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
