Pregnant stripper...not hot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
