I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
