we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
