took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
