God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize