god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
