Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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