drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
