Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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