You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
