I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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