Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize