Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
