More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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