if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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