I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
