You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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