i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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