you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
