is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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