I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
