do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize