if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize