I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
