Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
