The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
