So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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