i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
