Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
