I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
