I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
