Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sober January is a disaster.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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