his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
