So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
