what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
