i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
