If that was your dad, he is hot
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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